How families, whānau and people involved in their care can support children and young people
Family and whānau support is one of the most important factors in the mental health and wellbeing of children and young people. This support is especially important for transgender and gender diverse children and young people, and those exploring their gender.
Talking about gender diversity — Key message —Love and listen — Listening to Familiesexternal link
We have provided some of the KidsHealth guidance below on how families and whānau can support their children.
See KidsHealth for a range of other resources for families and whānau.
Gender diversity in children and young people — KidsHealth
There are different ways of expressing gender
All children explore different ways of expressing their gender. Many do not fit their culture's expectations for boys or girls, such as:
- the clothes they wear
- the toys they play with
- how they behave.
Children should not feel limited by expectations around their gender and should be able to wear the clothes they want and choose the kinds of toys they want to play with.
Allow children to do what feels right for them
Most of these children are comfortable with their sex assigned at birth. But some are not.
For some children, their clothing and play are important ways to express their gender to those around them. Allow tamariki to work out what feels right for them and understand everyone's gender is unique. For some tamariki, gender can be fluid. Be open to wherever your child's gender journey leads.
Listen if your child identifies as a gender different to their sex assigned at birth
When a child asserts their gender as different from their sex assigned at birth, it is important to listen. Transgender children are usually insistent, consistent and persistent in their gender. These tamariki may show distress or discomfort with their physical body.
Some tamariki are aware of their gender diversity from an early age. Others may take some time to figure it out.
Children are very aware of disapproval
Children can be very aware of the disapproval of those around them. They may try to hide their feelings about their gender if met with negative responses.
Sometimes children might need to see a paediatrician or mental health professional
Gender-expansive children, including those who may identify as transgender, do not need medical intervention before puberty. But you may want to talk to a parent support group, peer support or your family doctor about how best to support your child or family member. Sometimes referral to a paediatrician or mental health professional may be necessary. This is particularly important if your child has distress related to gender identity that does not improve with affirming your child.
Follow some simple tips
When your child or teen talks to you about their gender, there are some things you can do to support them as they explore their gender identity.
Give your unconditional love and support
Assure your child that they have your unconditional love and support wherever their gender journey leads them. Having family support is very important for the mental health and wellbeing of your child.
Encourage your child's exploration of their gender
Encourage your child's exploration of the way they express themselves. Allow them to present in the way they feel most comfortable - through their clothes, hairstyle and creativity. It is important that your child has a safe space to explore their gender.
Use your child's chosen gender pronouns
Use your child's chosen gender pronouns, for example, he/him, she/her, they/them etc, and chosen name. When your child is ready, support family and friends to do the same, if it is safe to do so.
It is not uncommon to slip up or make mistakes when learning to use your child's new chosen name or pronouns. When this happens, simply acknowledge the error, apologise, and move on. You could also look at any things you can do to minimise it happening in future.
Support your child if they want to affirm their gender outside of their home
Some children will want to have their gender affirmed at school or outside of their home. There are resources to support schools and parents around this.
Let your child know they are awesome and brave
It is important that children do not feel that being trans, nonbinary or gender diverse is something they should have to hide or feel any shame in. Continue to let your child know how awesome and brave they are.
Help your child to connect with other trans, nonbinary and gender diverse children
Help your child connect with other trans, nonbinary and gender diverse children, and the rainbow community. This will let them know they are not alone. They can learn about the diversity of gender both here and around the world. They can find out about the fantastic role models.
Get in touch with your local Rainbow organisation and see what is available for your child in your area.